Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Worst Band Names Ever?

Today on the way to work, for some weird reason, I wanted to listen to Def Leppard's High N' Dry album. Listen to me, "for some weird reason." There's no weird reason, that album kicks ass. We're talking the pinnacle of early 80s pop metal with infectious melodies and air-guitar-worthy riffs a plenty. It's common knowledge that after High N' Dry, Def Leppard really embraced the pop and ditched much of the metal but even with records like Pyromania and Hysteria they managed to keep the hooks a coming and the heads a banging. Too bad they totally fell off after that. I mean, in my opinion, they've managed to write maybe 2 or 3 songs worth jamming to at full volume in the past 20 years but that does nothing to soil their legacy.

A paragraph into my Def Leppard rant you're probably wondering, "hey, wasn't this article supposed to be about the worst band names ever? Why's this idiot going on and on about Def Leppard?" Well, here's your answer: Just what in the bloody hell is a "Def Leppard?" I've never seen one. Is it just a respelling of "Deaf Leopard?" Like an actual cat that can't hear. Anyway it's a pretty stupid name. So listening to Def Leppard got me started again. Here I am to compile a list of the worst band names ever.

Limp Bizkit- They may have been the most recognizable faces of the rap metal movement but that doesn't change the fact that their name sucks about as much as I image an actual limp biscuit would. Biscuits are supposed to have a flaky or crispy outer layer and a warm center just calling for butter. Limp Bizkit has a center of juvenile lyrics and an outside ripe with baggy pants douchiness. Yep, their name sucks and they suck. Perhaps the name was fitting?

Goblin Cock- Goblin Cock actually rock. Total 1970s stoner rock worship with nice crunchy Black Sabbath-ish riffs. Unfortunately with a name that conjures images of a porno filmed on Middle Earth, they aren't going to be headlining any major arenas anytime soon.

Dumpy's Rusty Nuts- Another unfortunate fatality of bad band names, Dumpy actually plays pretty solid heavy blues tunes. They were generally lumped into the New Wave of British Heavy Metal movement but that's not a real fair comparison. They don't exactly remind one of Iron Maiden, Witchfinder General, Demon, or The Tygers of Pan Tang. Anyway, they've toured with a lot of the bands from that movement regardless and they've also shared a stage with Motorhead and Hawkwind.

IWrestledABearOnce- I've known many a person that idolized this band and I have to admit they are pretty inventive on a purely musical level. The lead singer was a chick who could really sing when she wanted to. Unfortunately, for me, she spent too much time screaming incomprehensibly to enjoy the moments when she decided to actually use her melodic vocal talents. Anyway, the name itself irritates the hell out of me because it's actually spelled as 1 word.

The Tony Danza Tap-dance Extravaganza- Yeah, you read that right. I admittedly haven't taken the time to listen to much of their output but I can say this, "that's a hilarious band name you got there."

Goatwhore- Just like with Def Leppard, I'm left to wonder if their name translates literally. Are they talking about a goat that is actually a whore? How do you gauge goat whoredom? Don't goats just get it on with whatever male goat is near by the second they go in heat? I'm overthinking this. Anyway, the band is a pretty solid black metal unit and I don't tend to enjoy black metal. Lucky for me, the vocalist has the ability to make every other word clear enough to understand.

Pussy- Another solid bluesy hard rocking English unit from the early 70s that is likely to this day wondering, "why didn't we sell many records?" Well, you can't just name your band Pussy and expect to make it into storefront windows. You may be talking about a cat but dirty minds around the world are thinking about something else. Fun fact: Deep Purple's Ian Gillan produced these guys.

Oral- An all girl band from the mid 80s who released one EP called Oral Sex. Oh, I get it. That's why your band is called Oral. Cause, wait, no... actually, I don't get it. Stupid, stupid idea. If you're going to try and make a living as a musician, why the hell would you compromise your earning potential by blacklisting yourself with a name like that before anyone hears one note of your music?

So, those are my favorite bad band names. Got some I missed? Put them in the comments section below.

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