Friday, April 18, 2014

Giving the Electric Company A Hard Time

Transcript from a phone conversation I had with my electric company a few nights ago. I will refer to my electric company in this transcript as “Rainbow Cowboy.”

EC: Hello, can I speak to the person who is 18 years of age or older that manages the electric account in your home?

Me: Speaking.

EC: I have here, your name is Chris Petry?

Me: Right.

EC: Mr. Petry I would like to ask you if you would please participate in a quality survey on behalf of your electric company. At no point during this survey will I attempt to sell you anything. This call may, however, be recorded for quality and training purposes. Do you accept these conditions?

Me: Yeah.

EC: So will you take a few minutes of your time to complete this survey?

Me: Sure.

EC: Great. Let’s get started. Each year Rainbow Cowboy sponsors a 2-day home and garden show. Is that something you’d be interested in?

Me: I’m not a chick or a Botanist, so no.

EC (Giggling): On a scale of 1-10 how would you rank your satisfaction with your electricity?

Me: This is hard to gauge because, well, we’re talking about electricity here. Fine I’ll give it an 8.

EC: Are you satisfied with the quality of the electricity you’re receiving?

Me: Yeah, I mean, sometimes I go to visit my mom or my sister and their electricity seems to come out of the wall the exact same way. It’s amazing.

EC: Have you suffered an outage in the last year?

Me: Hmm… let me see. Yeah, about 8 months ago. I remember cause I was photographing these girls and I was paying them by the hour. The lights went out and I remember being very nervous about how long it was going to be before they came back on because the chicks weren’t as hot as they said they were on Craigslist and I didn’t want to pay em’ extra.

EC (In hysterical laughter): Oh, okay. We have a monthly newsletter do you ever read it?

Me: I read Fangoria and Hustler.

EC: So, never?

Me: Nope.

EC: Do you feel Rainbow Cowboy does their best to accommodate the individual needs of their customers?

Me: Yeah. I mean, my primary gig is taking nudies and sometimes the cash is thin, you know? I called them once and they got me on a different payment plan option and so, I feel they’re really customer considerate.

EC: Do you sense your electric company’s presence in your community?

Me: I never see anyone wearing t-shirts or stickers or anything but I guess they’re around.

EC: Do you think they could better contribute to community causes?

Me: Like saving whales and stuff?

EC: I mean in the wake of outages, problems, or disasters.

Me: Well, other than one outage during my boobie shoot I haven’t really had the opportunity to see them in action.

EC: Do you trust your electric company? Have they EARNED your trust?

Me: My family has my trust. My girlfriend. Some friends. Even my cats. But I don’t really know my electric company on a person level.

EC: Would you like to better know your electrical company? Have a closer relationship?

Me: What, like take them on a date? No.

EC: Do you feel your company is up to date on environmental issues?

Me: They e-mail me all the time about switching over to e-billing and saving the environment by not killing trees but trees piss me off.

EC: Oh, okay. Are you satisfied with the service you receive?

Me: I feel I’ve already answered this question but yeah. I mean, electricity is electricity right?

EC: Are you the kind of person who waits in line for the newest innovations in technology? Smartphones? I-pads?

Me: I’m not a 16 year-old girl so, no. I have a job. Sir can I ask you how much longer this survey is going to last?

EC: We’re nearing the end now.

Me: Good cause my wife just grabbed my crotch. I think she’s horny so… I’m hoping to get lucky tonight.

EC (Laughing): Oh, I’ll see what I can do to get you through this thing.

Me: Thank you. Continue.

EC: Does Rainbow Cowboy do a good job in alerting you to power outages?

Me: No.

EC: Explain please.

Me: Well, I have no power so I can’t go online or turn on the TV to see if there’s an outage or not.

EC: Oh, I see. How do you know when there’s an outage?

Me: It gets really dark. And sometimes I open my apartment door, look down the hall and nobody else has lights either.

EC: I mean, do they e-mail or call?

Me: They have how many customers and they’re going to call all of us? Plus the power would already be off by the time we thought to check for outages via phone. Then we wouldn’t need to check for outages because it would be dark.

EC: I see. Do they do a good job at restoring power?

Me: I don’t really know what they do. I know one minute it’s dark and the next minute it’s not. Honestly I just thought I was going blind.

EC: Are you Hispanic, Asian, Pacific Islander, or Arabic?

Me: I’m Anglo Saxon. British.

EC: Are you white?

Me: That’s what I just said.

EC: Do you know what a meter reader is?

Me: Back when I lived home in West Virginia we had this thing in our backyard and occasionally this guy would come to look at it and he pissed off the dog a lot. That’s all I know.

EC: Have you heard of digital readers?

Me: Wait, are they meters that are also digital?

EC: If I were to say, “digital meters allow the light company to better serve you and lower rates,” how high would you rate the believability on a scale of 1-10.

Me: Is “full of crap” a 1?

EC: Well, thank you for your time sir. I hope you get lucky.

Me: You too, have a good one.