Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Day in the Life of a Man Who Sucked At Everything

Ben Blows was the worst man to have ever lived and the worst man to have ever died
He was awful at everything and failed at anything he ever tried
He tried to paint but all he ever made were sloppy strokes
He tried to make people laugh but fell flat on his face with humorless jokes
He was a living wreck, as tedious and useless as can be
Pallid and dull, a total pity, his very existence was that of misery

Even his surname was horrid
“Blows” it was
And it was nothing but a point of ridicule
But accurate enough
He tried to shake it, pronounce it a different way
But his actions only helped the unconventional name to stay

As a little boy, Ben tried to fit in with his classmates but never could
They found him laughable and as interesting as a block of wood
He was no athlete; he couldn’t hit a ball if he tried
Always the last pick for the teams, team captains accepted him with terrible sighs
He thought with some time he’d learn to draw
But his pictures were messes on paper, as exciting as a clean white wall

When he hit his teens he tried to start a band
But he was no left-handed Jim Hendrix, he couldn’t play guitar with either hand
So he tried to sing, he reached for the highs and growled in his lows
Freddie Mercury he was not and on any stage he froze
He couldn’t play the bass; those 4 strings were just too tough
And on drums he pounded and pounded but just couldn’t keep up

He tried to be an actor but he was awfully reviewed
So he tried his hand as a writer
But to the page could keep no one glued
Last he tried to direct, but he was just no good
His work had made an Orson Welles out of even Ed Wood

With art a lost cause he tried to run a shop
But he was no more qualified to helm a business than he was to hold a mop
The business failed and he lost all his cash
He couldn’t manage his money; he couldn’t even take out the trash

Business down the drain he turned to construction
But he bent every nail and caused only destruction
Next he tried to sell things but he was no Billy Mays
He never managed to sell one product in 30 whole days

Down on his luck and feeling quite bad
Ben contemplated his life and ever experience he had ever had
He realized that in 20 some years he’d never done anything right
Though he worked so, so hard and tried with all his might
He read all the right books, got the best of educations
And watched all his peers honored with standing ovations
When will it be my time, he cried
When will I find my place?
He looked deep in the mirror and reflected
“I don’t even have a pleasant face”

Ben counted his savings and bought a gun
He put it under his chin and whimpered, “goodbye life, it’s not been fun.”
Then it hit him, this was his call
He dropped the gun and stood proud and tall
“I’m the worst man that ever lived,” he shouted
“No one’s worse than me and if they say they are, why I severely doubt it!”
“I’ve tried it all and I’m total shit”
“This shall be my legacy, my great claim to fame”
“With my awful face and my awful brain, the world will have no choice but to know my awful name!”

He started a website, “”
Put his face on t-shirts and magnets from New York to Vietnam
With a little help, he wrote a book about how much he sucked
Sold well over a million copies about how much he had failed
And soon a sequel about how in the face of nothing he had prevailed
Ben was on the up and up, he had it all
Women, money, his likeness on a best-selling doll
Ben took pleasure in being a loser and now knew the joy it could bring
He sat back and smiled, a day in the life of a man who sucked at everything

-Chris Petry

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