A Day in the Life of a Man Who Sucked At Everything

Ben Blows was the worst man to have ever lived and the worst man to have ever died

He was awful at everything and failed at anything he ever tried

He tried to paint but all he ever made were sloppy strokes

He tried to make people laugh but fell flat on his face with humorless jokes

He was a living wreck, as tedious and useless as can be

Pallid and dull, a total pity, his very existence was that of misery

Even his surname was horrid

“Blows” it was

And it was nothing but a point of ridicule

But accurate enough

He tried to shake it, pronounce it a different way

But his actions only helped the unconventional name to stay

As a little boy, Ben tried to fit in with his classmates but never could

They found him laughable and as interesting as a block of wood

He was no athlete; he couldn’t hit a ball if he tried

Always the last pick for the teams, team captains accepted him with terrible sighs

He thought with some time he’d learn to draw

But his pictures were messes on paper, as exciting as a clean white wall

When he hit his teens he tried to start a band

But he was no left-handed Jim Hendrix, he couldn’t play guitar with either hand

So he tried to sing, he reached for the highs and growled in his lows

Freddie Mercury he was not and on any stage he froze

He couldn’t play the bass; those 4 strings were just too tough

And on drums he pounded and pounded but just couldn’t keep up

He tried to be an actor but he was awfully reviewed

So he tried his hand as a writer

But to the page could keep no one glued

Last he tried to direct, but he was just no good

His work had made an Orson Welles out of even Ed Wood

With art a lost cause he tried to run a shop

But he was no more qualified to helm a business than he was to hold a mop

The business failed and he lost all his cash

He couldn’t manage his money; he couldn’t even take out the trash

Business down the drain he turned to construction

But he bent every nail and caused only destruction

Next he tried to sell things but he was no Billy Mays

He never managed to sell one product in 30 whole days

Down on his luck and feeling quite bad

Ben contemplated his life and ever experience he had ever had

He realized that in 20 some years he’d never done anything right

Though he worked so, so hard and tried with all his might

He read all the right books, got the best of educations

And watched all his peers honored with standing ovations

When will it be my time, he cried

When will I find my place?

He looked deep in the mirror and reflected

“I don’t even have a pleasant face”

Ben counted his savings and bought a gun

He put it under his chin and whimpered, “goodbye life, it’s not been fun.”

Then it hit him, this was his call

He dropped the gun and stood proud and tall

“I’m the worst man that ever lived,” he shouted

“No one’s worse than me and if they say they are, why I severely doubt it!”

“I’ve tried it all and I’m total shit”

“This shall be my legacy, my great claim to fame”

“With my awful face and my awful brain, the world will have no choice but to know my awful name!”

He started a website, “worstmanalive.com”

Put his face on t-shirts and magnets from New York to Vietnam

With a little help, he wrote a book about how much he sucked

Sold well over a million copies about how much he had failed

And soon a sequel about how in the face of nothing he had prevailed

Ben was on the up and up, he had it all

Women, money, his likeness on a best-selling doll

Ben took pleasure in being a loser and now knew the joy it could bring

He sat back and smiled, a day in the life of a man who sucked at everything

-Chris Petry