Thursday, December 27, 2012

In the beginning there was me!

You know me by many names! Beelzebub, Lucifer, Abaddon, Apollyon, Leviathan, Belial, Satan; All please me because all make you tremble at the very sound of it sliding off another's tongue! You fear your eternal rest with me, here, in the darkened halls of the damned. Here where you hear screams of pain, smell the rotting burning flesh of the unrighteous, and lavish in sweet agony for time never-ending! Oh Home, who am I kidding, this place rocks. Seriously, everyone knows the bad guys have superior taste and style. Here, at home in hell, the blackened corridors rattle and shake with the sounds of heavy metal! The flames are merely there for aesthetic purposes and the only ones being prodded with pitchforks are politicians, murderers, thieves, and those who bring pain to children. Watching them roast and scream is only part of the entertainment here for the rest of us. We love horror movies and we play all our favorites on big monitors sitting atop pillars made of bones. Each and every day, around midnight, we watch one we've never seen before and then write our own personal reviews on parchments made of human flesh. We eat meat, lots of meat medium rare, as there's no better way to cap off a day of quality head-banging and gore soaked cinematic mayhem than with a slightly bloody iron-rich steak!

I Started this blog to give you, the mortal, a taste of what is to come! To dispel all those nasty rumors about me, "The Lord of Flies." What's the alternative, huh? Golden streets? That's too gaudy for my tastes. We shall pave our streets with black and red, colors endorsed by such personalities as Dracula, The Shadow, and Daredevil (I like his fashion sense by the way)! Do you want to sit on fluffy white balls of gas known as clouds for eternity? Or your own custom throne studded with the eyes of thine enemies! That's what I thought. So, follow me, as I write daily about the entertainment that really matters. Don't fill your head with American Idol, Taylor Swift, Kanye West, or One Direction! Listen to me, the curator of cool. Don't torture your eyes with the endless slew of remakes, rehashes, re-imaginings, teenage musicals, and CGI-laden borefests. Watch what delights I have to recommend you. I have seen these fads come and go over the millennia and I have become wiser for having witnessed their demise. Remember, a good ghoulish pot of horror never loses its furvor and heavy metal will never die!

To start things off, I'm going to give you my best of 2012 lists. Each day after this (if not much is going on in Hell) I will go back to my vaults and review twisted delights from years a go. For now, ponder these lists and await my sinister whispers in your ear. When you hear me you will know I have returned from the terrible depths to command the living to listen and watch as I see fit.


Ahhhhhhhhh! 2012 was a bad year for horror. I saw Lovely Molly and checked online for the latest updates on American Mary, the Maniac remake, and The Lords of Salem but it looks like I'll have to wait until the new year to see them in theaters or DVD. Because it was a pretty lackluster year for my favorite genre (Though I'm sure I'm just forgetting about a couple great ones that did come out), I'm going to recommend some old classics to sink your teeth into.

  1. Tourist Trap
  2. Brotherhood of Satan
  3. The Cat and the Canary (1927)
  4. The Gore Gore Girls
  5. Warlock Moon
  6. The Mummy (1932)
  7. The House on the Edge of the Park
  8. Torso
  9. The Son of Frankenstein
  10. Phantom of the Paradise

Now, music was another story. There were some tasty tunes this year. I don't think I can lower my list to 10! So instead I'm gonna list 20.


1. Rush Clockwork Angels

2. Woods of Ypres Woods 5: Grey Skies and Electric Light

3. Candlemass Psalms for the Dead

4. Saint Vitus Lillie F-65

5. Huntress Spell Eater

6. Prong Carved into Stone

7. Municipal Waste The Fatal Feast

8. Grand Magus The Hunt

9. Orange Goblin A Eulogy for the Damned

10. Kiss Monster

11. UFO Seven Deadly

12. Sigh In Somniphobia

13. Kill Devil Hill Kill Devil Hill

14. Overkill The Electric Age

15. Van Halen A Different Kind of Truth

16. Ministry Relapse

17. Black Breath Sentenced to Life

18. Accept Stalingrad

19. Running Wild Shadowmaker

20. Demon Unbroken

21. Kreator Phantom Antichrist

22. Down IV Part 1: The Purple EP

23. Dokken Broken Bones

24. Tygers of Pan Tang Ambush

25. Neurosis Honor Found in Decay

26. Sister Sin Now and Forever

Okay, so I ended up listing more than 20 but they're good. It's hard to decide. What will 2013 sound like? Well there are new releases from Helloween, Deep Purple, Voivod, Krokus, and Cathedral on the horizon we know of. There've also been mentions of new material from King Diamond, Motley Crue, Dream Theater, Trouble, and Anthrax. Last I heard Thin Lizzy, now calling themselves "The Black Star Riders," are in the studio as are Megadeth, Anvil, SaxonAlice in Chains, Rob Zombie, and Ghost. Tool has hinted at the possibility of new material and Black Sabbath and Judas Priest have been talking new albums for what seems like an eternity now. Motorhead is due for another release if Lemmy's 2-3 year model for new releases remains consistent and Alice Cooper has apparently already been putting together some concepts for a new album, likely to come out at the end of the year or early 2014. This is what I've heard from various news outlets, interviews, and video clips whilst awaiting new souls to enter my dominion. 

So long 2012! Burn....

p.s. This blog is merely intended as humor and information. Don't be a prude. Lighten up. Eat something fried, take in an R-Rated movie, look at a dirty book, say a cuss word out loud, and drive 5 mph over the speed limit for just 30 seconds. You'll be glad you did. 

1 comment:

  1. I ate some fried chicken, watched Magic Mike, and enjoyed a wine cooler. I feel better now and enjoyed your blog.